I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
