My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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