Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
