if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
