you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
organizing the empties. That sober.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
