i used baking grease as lip gloss
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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