hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
