Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
