there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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