I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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