I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
