I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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