there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
