I'm sorry my penis didn't work
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
