Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
