I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
