I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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