thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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