her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
