Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
