you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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