I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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