im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
