No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
