i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
