I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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