Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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