So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
