i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
