she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
