Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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