During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
