I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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