i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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