why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
