Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
