ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Boobs speak an international language.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
