6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
