i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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