and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
