Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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