Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
