He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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