All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I have aggressive nipples.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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