the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
