i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
