I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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