somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
