The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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