That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
